my rich friend's panopticon

the acid house

I'm back on Monday through Friday at work and Fridays are about as dead as Sunday.

At least I got paid.

in dreams i walk with you

Colonial Day

I'm at work on a holiday for time and a half, but I have no family up here and no one invited me to any barbecues so I might as well get paid to do nothing.

I had a three day weekend and I barely left my apartment the entire time. I'm getting worried that I'm developing agoraphobic tendencies, in that I'll make plans with people do stuff but then end up cancelling because I don't want to spend the money or leave. It felt really good to leave for work today, as it's a gorgeous warm day and the 147 got me here quicker than usual, but I can't seem to get my mind around the fact that having 'fun' in this town in the way that its defined by my friends involves spending lots of cash. Like Saturday night Kevin and I went out to a few bars around Rogers Park and I ended up spending 20 bucks on four giant beers at the Poitin Stil. I had beer at home.

All of this makes me sound like an old woman. I need to make more money somehow to support the lifestyle of decadence that I desire.

Wiitness the Fiitness

I hope the changes I made to the formatting is working.

I cut out of work early on this unbelievably gorgeous day to go to
Target to see if they had Wii Fit but they had been sold out since
early this morning.

After being told this I had a weird moment of clarity where it
occurred to me that:

A. I didn't need a ninety dollar piece of plastic to work out, and

B. My libido, which for some reason has its center of delight switched
from sex to spending (not even really making) money, was basically
lying to me. I didn't have ninety dollars to spend on this shit as
there are bills and utilities to cover. I already had my obscenely
unnecessary expenditure for this six months.

I would need to spend some serious time with it before deciding if it
would be just another dust collecting video game accessory anyway.

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Pinyin

Calm Today

Day One

I just did four laps between my apartment and the Evanston sign along
the lake.

I had to walk for more of it than I'm really happy with but I'm sure
that will become easier as I torture myself further.

I went to Target today to look at new pants and it grimly occured to
me that 32 is too small and 34 sags off my ass. I decided there's no
time like now to get started.

No more French fries or Chinese lunches covered in sauce, of eating to
excess because it keeps me out of the office longer.

I've got to idolize my ex-roommate. He would just come home every
night after work, work out, eat pasta, and then deactivate. I have to
stop spending money on frivolous crap and poisons just because its
something to do.

It will be impossible at first but I will take control of myself. I
will.

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Mindlessly Provocative

I wish the formatting on this would stop fucking up when I post by
mobile.

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hex omega

Today was not a good day at work as I felt like I was fighting a
desperate losing battle against all of the ignorant morons that
wouldn't stop calling.

I just want to go home to where they can't reach me anymore, which
means rejecting the rest of humanity tonight. I can make a bunch of
futile stabs towards fixing my router, see if that works.

I wish I has the ability to just up home and shut off, to just make
myself something meager for dinner and veg out until the next witting
day, yet I surround myself with those who can't do that, who have to
go out and eat or drink every night.

It's madness, I can't afford no matter how much I try to convince
myself that I can.

It has been occuring to me lately (as if has for the past few years)
that I have no effective way of dealing with stress. At my previous
jobs it would just vent on its own, everything quickly forgotten the
second I walked out the door, but this one is different.

It isn't even that the customers are worse. It's that I have to talk
to the same fucking pricks week in and week out because the same sites
or email keeps getting broken for the same reasons. It wouldn't bother
me nearly as much if I wasn't on phones but due to my ability to clear
the queue with savage ruthlessness I remain on them.

This takes a toll. The customers are such ignorant assholes by and
large that it's my natural inclination to snarl at them like an
animal. I hate it. I'd rather be nice, and I have no idea how to do
that when someone is refusing to follow my instructions or whatever.

I'm rambling and I've forgotten whatever point I was originally going
to make with this, so I'll stop now.

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