Qlippoth pt 2

I ended it (decisively, rather than half-assedly) with her near the
end of my workday in the perfectly tasteful manner of changing my
Facebook status to Single, maybe three weeks after I initially tried
to do it and fell victim to my old arch nemeses: crying and
undermining my logic with emotion.

If I didn't genuinely like her as a person it would have been much
easier. The last time I had to seriously do this I also massively
underestimated the response as she herself wasn't much of a feeler or
communicator but she got over it fairly quickly and I guess is seeing
someone she really likes.

I can only wish this for anyone that I feel the need to disappoint on
such a level.

Despite my overwhelming and all consuming arrogance, I've never really
thought much of myself as a human being. I never understand why anyone
could grow so attached to someone who seems so capable of unfeeling,
dismissive cruelty as I am.

When I initially tried to do this a few weeks ago her idiotic best
friend let himself into her place and demanded a ride to work, so in
the midst of her tears I compromised (painfully) and told her that I
just needed some time to myself to think things through. At the time I
may have believed it, because she really is a wonderful, generous, and
caring woman who could make any regular guy who isn't all fucked up
very happy.

I'm not that guy.

All I can hope that she gets out of this, beyond anything, is the
knowledge that fundamentally broken people are not fixer uppers.

Raisa, I know things are all fucked up for you right now and i'm sorry
that I had to be the cause of that. I had hoped that we could both be
grown up enough to coexist without the expectations and physical
commitments of a 'relationship' but I can see that despite having some
really great times with you recently without ending up in your bed at
the end of the night.

I can only hope that your wonderful and supportive friends can carry
you through this and see that yes, I am an emotionally abusive asshole
rake and that you deserve far better.

I imagine I will have more to say about this later.

mobile

Is there something I'm not giving you?

I think Machine Gun by Portishead is my song of the year.

Move along, citizen.

Fête

I'll never understand the correct behavior at work parties. These
people aren't really my friends, but there is lots of free alcohol
involved. Maybe it's because they're actually closer to a weird,
estranged extended family?

I never had the alcoholic relative experience growing up like everyone
I date, so I really have no idea.

mobile

old haunts

The Cad

I wonder how long it will take her to decide that I'm just kind of an
asshole and move on

mobile

No good deed goes unpunished.

:(

mobile

Beer Friday!