Qlippoth pt 2

I ended it (decisively, rather than half-assedly) with her near the
end of my workday in the perfectly tasteful manner of changing my
Facebook status to Single, maybe three weeks after I initially tried
to do it and fell victim to my old arch nemeses: crying and
undermining my logic with emotion.

If I didn't genuinely like her as a person it would have been much
easier. The last time I had to seriously do this I also massively
underestimated the response as she herself wasn't much of a feeler or
communicator but she got over it fairly quickly and I guess is seeing
someone she really likes.

I can only wish this for anyone that I feel the need to disappoint on
such a level.

Despite my overwhelming and all consuming arrogance, I've never really
thought much of myself as a human being. I never understand why anyone
could grow so attached to someone who seems so capable of unfeeling,
dismissive cruelty as I am.

When I initially tried to do this a few weeks ago her idiotic best
friend let himself into her place and demanded a ride to work, so in
the midst of her tears I compromised (painfully) and told her that I
just needed some time to myself to think things through. At the time I
may have believed it, because she really is a wonderful, generous, and
caring woman who could make any regular guy who isn't all fucked up
very happy.

I'm not that guy.

All I can hope that she gets out of this, beyond anything, is the
knowledge that fundamentally broken people are not fixer uppers.

Raisa, I know things are all fucked up for you right now and i'm sorry
that I had to be the cause of that. I had hoped that we could both be
grown up enough to coexist without the expectations and physical
commitments of a 'relationship' but I can see that despite having some
really great times with you recently without ending up in your bed at
the end of the night.

I can only hope that your wonderful and supportive friends can carry
you through this and see that yes, I am an emotionally abusive asshole
rake and that you deserve far better.

I imagine I will have more to say about this later.

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