wash the day
turn off the signal
wipe out the noise
One year later and I'm back on the same beach, buried up to my shoulders. The lake is calm but there are thunderheads in the distance like always. On any other night I feel like I could weather the storm and flood to come, but I feel particularly fragile.
My dismissal from my job has had me feeling vaguely numb and anxious, but it is all through the filter of my brain not allowing me to see the full scope of how fucked I am if I don't find a job as soon as possible. Getting that job was a total fluid involving meeting the right person at the right time under random circumstances after three months of totally fruitless searching. I won't make it through another unemployment cycle like that without losing a lot of what I value most, like privacy, communication, and electricity. I've never been the kind of person to panic at these kinds of things, but sometimes I wonder if that kind of release would be more healthy that what I'm actually doing, which feels like just standing here slackjawed while my whole life falls apart.
I'm difficult and standoffish to those that care about me most because I worry that right now feeling ANYTHING will lead to complete collapse. This is only occurring to me now, but it may explain the vast majority of my personality issues that I've had since the beginning, that my mind is so set on pushing forward through everything and burning every bridge behind me that I've never let myself just stop and breathe and appreciate things. The novocaine-like emotional response that I've had to the main thing that was structuring my life collapsing suddenly isn't that different than how I feel all the time.
This has been another long and tiresome entry that has changed nothing. Thank you for reading it.
wipe out the noise
One year later and I'm back on the same beach, buried up to my shoulders. The lake is calm but there are thunderheads in the distance like always. On any other night I feel like I could weather the storm and flood to come, but I feel particularly fragile.
My dismissal from my job has had me feeling vaguely numb and anxious, but it is all through the filter of my brain not allowing me to see the full scope of how fucked I am if I don't find a job as soon as possible. Getting that job was a total fluid involving meeting the right person at the right time under random circumstances after three months of totally fruitless searching. I won't make it through another unemployment cycle like that without losing a lot of what I value most, like privacy, communication, and electricity. I've never been the kind of person to panic at these kinds of things, but sometimes I wonder if that kind of release would be more healthy that what I'm actually doing, which feels like just standing here slackjawed while my whole life falls apart.
I'm difficult and standoffish to those that care about me most because I worry that right now feeling ANYTHING will lead to complete collapse. This is only occurring to me now, but it may explain the vast majority of my personality issues that I've had since the beginning, that my mind is so set on pushing forward through everything and burning every bridge behind me that I've never let myself just stop and breathe and appreciate things. The novocaine-like emotional response that I've had to the main thing that was structuring my life collapsing suddenly isn't that different than how I feel all the time.
This has been another long and tiresome entry that has changed nothing. Thank you for reading it.
posted by zerodemocracy at
7:17 PM
2 Comments:
I love you!
Funny, I'm doing everything I can right now to lose my job but they insist on hanging on to me.
I'm on better meds from better docs now than I've ever been. I'm also crazier than ever.
I don't know any more. Do you?
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