ramble

I've been quite irritable lately towards the people that care about me the most and this makes me feel incredibly guilty as once again in the rare occasions when I show any kind of outward emotion it's one of the less appealing ones. It could just be the stress of joblessness and the fact that I still haven't gotten any kind of confirmation or start date for Barcodes, or it could just be me going with the flow on everyone I know's life going completely to shit for economic or other reasons.

I've spent most of the past half hour texting back and forth with Sarah and declining her phone calls, as I guess she was going to have a 'beach day' with four of her friends (only one of whom has ever really shown me anything warmer than mild contempt) and she asked me to come along. Paraphrased:
'Ok, let me finish up a few things and I'll be at your place in twenty minutes.'
'Uh, we're leaving now, so we won't be here.'
'I'll leave immediately, then.'
'No, we won't be here.'
Something sounded off in her tone of voice, or maybe I was just reading into it way too much, but I found myself getting a bit testy at this. She's usually like this when hanging out with those friends, with her tone of voice over the phone becoming dismissive and callous.
'Fine, just call me whenever you figure out where you're going.' End call, no goodbye.

I found that by this point I was pissed in my usual quiet, pathetic, and bitter way (mostly due to choking it all back, so it feels like all I get are the byproduct or fumes of anger) so I texted her to tell her that I was just going to stay here, have a good time. She texts back asking if I still wanted to meet up later and of course I blow it with this reply:
"Your tone of voice over the phone indicates that you couldn't give a shit so who knows."
So she calls me like six times because as per usual when I do anything remotely in the feeling hurting zone she takes it incredibly personally. I've found that it's this way with most people and I've never understood it. Why is it that I let everything just kind of roll or bounce off of me but the second I try to give it back to anyone it just takes one lashing out and suddenly I'm a monster? I'm not suggesting that I prefer everyone be as shut down and rigid as I am (I hate being this way) but it's a mystery to me anyway.

I decline every call. There's three voicemails in the queue but I don't want to hear them because I can't stand making people cry despite how often it seems to happen. I don't know why the whole idea of her not wanting to wait for me to meet them at her apartment was such a big fucking deal to me. I didn't used to be like this but over the past week I've been so terrible and because she's the person who is around me the most she's gotten the brunt of it. No one I try to talk to about these feelings is any help at all because they tend to have the same answers. "Oh, you're stressed out about your unemployment." It just seems like the smallest, stupidest things about her set me off and I really hate that because she's doing nothing to deserve it. I eventually ended up sending her a text apologizing for being so awful this past week but I imagine I look like an emotionally retarded psycho to her right now.

We had a similar incident two nights ago when I had her over despite knowing good and well that I just wanted to be alone that night, and we watch a documentary on Cuttlefish that I had downloaded, and then she immediately moved over to the bed because she hates sitting on my futon. This caused a similar reaction in me to the phone call in which I just wanted her to go away. I was also really tired and irritable (I was hoping that was the actual cause for my lack of reasoning ability but it's carried over to the next few days) so I told her that I was just going to go to bed and that she should go out and get food on her own. The thing that frustrates me the most is that she would keep asking what she could do to make me feel better because I do know that she really cares about me but I could give her no answer, as the only one I could think of was 'leave me alone.' She proceeded to lay down in the same bed and try to sleep with me, but I felt trapped, immobile. I couldn't sleep, but at this point I also couldn't find it in me to tell her to go away. It was just a bad situation for everyone but mostly me.

I just got off the phone with her and I guess I'm going to go meet her downtown and then we're going to the Wicker Park Fest to see Isis. I hope I feel better by then.